Snail madness

Snails. Let’s just leave them where they belong shall we? Roaming around the garden and leaving a trail of goo as they go.

The snail trend started in South America, spread to the Far East and is now hitting the rest of us.

I honestly don’t care about the perceived benefits to human skin. Is it worth it? You decide. I think it’s grim all over.

The juice used in snail products is not the normal slime they leave behind when crawling around, that’s just snail dregs. Nice. Think of that and laugh hysterically when you see people having snail facials, with actual snails on their faces.

How is it extracted?
There are very few images of the extraction process online, because they don’t want you to see it. But this ‘magic’ snail stuff doesn’t just appear.
In order to get the ‘good stuff’, the snails have to be stressed out, so that they literally wet themselves. Or sh*t themselves, whichever way you prefer to look at it.
They are then poked in the shell with a thin stick, sort of like scraping out a pudding bowl with your spoon, except snails, sticks and goo.

The other extraction process is to submerge them all in salt water, throw them into a panic, and drain the fluid away, collecting it as you go. When they farm the snails this way, the snails get so stressed that the manufacturers have to give them a rest period, so they can repeat the process. Thirdly, they sit them on an electrified grid, start up a current, and the snail secretes the mucus to protect its arse from going on fire. As you would. They call this the 'humane' extraction.

I'm a big hypocrite, I know. I'm not vegetarian. But I guess everyone has their limits and I guess I've reached mine.

• Beauty